Being Happy is a choice. The past year has been an eternity... Konrad died. Sarah died. Aunt Ivy has cancer. My parents both came to me with their problems with each other, and it completely and utterly broke my heart more than any boy or man could. I know that there are people who have been through much worse.. and even when my focus wasn't right, I could still find peace, and joy. And for that, I thank the creator. But through talking with dad, talking with Josh, I realize that people can steal my happiness if I let them.

Happiness is mine: once it's found I guard it, I keep it safe, I gather more and keep it and share it. But once someone steals a little bit, whether it be through a bad relationship, through a death, through a sickness, it's like the lock comes off of the door where your mind is peaceful and it's possible for you to start letting go of the good thoughts. Pleasure comes in sick forms rather than in beauty. Once the good thoughts start to go, the joy in every day life starts to go. The negativity grows exponentially, without my noticing, but still with my permission. I stop noticing beauty and start noticing only the negative things. I let the negativity get there. It becomes more difficult to see beauty in everyday things.

Everything is a gift. I have family, I have the ocean around me, the rain, the scattered sunny days. I have a car that works most days, and two jobs that I enjoy. I have the ability and everything that I need to enjoy life. Some days I wake up and this is natural, and I know that I am blessed... other days I have to go through a few hours of sadness before finally telling myself these things and working myself into a happy state. These days are harder, but not impossible.

Don't let anyone steal your joy. Realize that happiness is yours, it's the choice that you have to hold on to happy thoughts. Think good things. Remember the Happiness. As the songwriter sings, count your blessings, name them one by one. And it may surprise you what the Lord has done.

Testing Your Limits

It all started last night. The jealousy monster started rising.

My really great friend Steve was recognized provincially for his photography, and the newspaper did a full page spread on him. I was so happy for him: we've been learning photography at the same pace and we always get together to take pictures and he's steadily gotten better at the trade, so I know that he deserves it. Until last night, there had never been any competition between us. But seeing him being recognized, and the great pictures he's taking, and all his creativity, it sort of made me mad. I started to ask myself questions that hadn't really arose before; Why can't I take pictures like that? Why don't I have the inspiration he does? How is that he keeps getting better, when I've stayed at this plateau?

I know that we have different styles of photography, but that jealous bone still creeps in. I hate the feeling but it's almost addictive, I just don't want to let go of it. So I decided to take a different approach.

I was going through some of my old photos, from the time I was just learning the art of photography. I was so much more creative then than I am now. There's a gradual change in my creativity as I started to learn about aperture and ISO and framing and all that. It's like once I learned the rules, I started to completely stay in the box - which definitely explains me staying at a plateau while he moves gradually ahead of me. People started to notice me less and less as I got further ahead... which sort of goes against what I was trying to do, doesn't it?

I need to break free of the box. And accept that I am the photographer that God created me to be. I am not Steve, I am Alex. I might not be the same as him, but everyone gets better by testing their limits.

Just finished up my first wedding. Eek. Even thought it's May and it's been beautiful all week, today the clouds decided to let loose. We enjoyed a day with rain storms, hail, even snow. Can't really expect anything different in Newfoundland. But even though the weather definitely didn't cooperate, it was still a beautiful day.

I realized that I love shooting weddings. I've never thought I would overly enjoy photographing weddings, because honestly, I never liked going to them as a guest. But there's something about being alone with two people who are in love, after all the family photos and the group shots are done, and just helping them let loose on their first day together. Helping them come to the conclusion that this is their time to shine, together. It's beautiful, magical even, watching love unfold in front of you.

I've known Norm for the longest time, and I remember about a year or two ago when he came home from Winnipeg and boldly announced that he had, in the space of a week, met the girl that he was going to marry. We all thought he was crazy, but you actually followed through. Props to you, buddy. You have a beautiful wife, and though I've only just gotten to know her in the past few weeks, that woman has the patience of Job. She's so beautiful, inside and out - Treat her well, Norman. ;) She definitely deserves it.

Even though it was FREEZING, even though Crystal lost her shoe, even though the umbrella broke and nobody wanted to stand outside and smile in the middle of a hailstorm, thank you so much for giving me a chance to share this day with you. Oh, and thanks for buying me McDonald's, too. :) Here's to Crystal and Norm.

Everyone thought we were CRAZY . It was so fun. xD

The beautiful bride.

All the best to you both as you share your lives together :)

-A

A Letter to My Brother.

Hey Bro. You'll probably never read this- but maybe some day, when you're older and you actually like me, you'll stumble across your sister's blog and realize that she really does love you.

I just want you to know that your smile lights up a room like nobody else. You can always make me laugh, make me happy, and of course - you can always make me mad. :P

I'm so glad that I have you in my life. I think a lot about the miscarriage that mom had, how if it weren't for that, I would have a little sister instead of a little brother, and how if it weren't for that, you wouldn't be in my life. And I know it's bad to be thankful for that, but I can't imagine not having you around. I am thankful for that painful period of our lives before you came around -because of it, I have you.

Today, we went out and took pictures of each other jumping around and I took a few of you with your little daisy BB gun and you were so proud, it made me happy just to see your face light up. You're growing up, but you're still so young. Still very innocent. Still very in a naive sense of love with the world around you, and I get so envious of what you have, when I don't.

Stay strong, little brother. No matter how much the world tries to eat you, don't give in to it's teeth.

Love your big sis.

A lot has happened since Sarah died.

I tried to bring my best friend back to reality.

She's still not really alright, but I guess you know that too.

Josh threatened suicide, again.

I believed it for a while.

I became a rock for everyone to lean on. It was easier than giving in to pain.

I realized that if my focus wasn't exactly perfect on You, I couldn't be a rock.

I learned this the hard way, with a very public break down in the middle of class.

Yay me.

Jare and I broke up, mainly because of my stress levels, partially because neither of us really knew anymore what we wanted out of our relationship.

I stopped believing Josh.

I feel bad, and I still don't know if it's the right thing, but I can't be around him

Anymore.

I fought with You, a bunch.

I'm still a little sad with you, a little bit.

I don't really know what you want of me

Anymore.

Books and life and evil seem to have messed me up.

I guess, in a way, I messed myself up.

A little bit.

A lot.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Can we start over?

I really want to know you

More.

-Love, daughter

So, watched Avatar last night. I know, I'm late getting on the bandwagon, but it was phenomenal. The graphics, way it was taped, I loved it. I wasn't even going to go at first but my little bro pretty much forced me, and I'm glad he did. :P

I think what got to me the most, and got me thinking, was the fact that God offers that world to us here, if we seek for Him. In the original Hebrew language, there is no word for spiritual because EVERYTHING is spiritual in God's eyes. If we take the time daily to see God in little things, enjoy this gift of life we've been given, life doesn't seem too bad. Even through times of 'great sorrow' He is still here, we just need to seek. Isaiah says 'Look to me and be saved.' Not look to me and someday I might change things for you, but look to me and you are saved. Not changing the world necessarily at this moment, but changing our outlook on the world. Our God is greater than Eywa, because we don't need special trees or even churches to speak to him- He is everywhere. There's no way we can be separated from Him until we deliberately make the choice.

Creator and Creation.

I was watching a video by Rob Bell the other day, and he said something that made me think a lot about the human race.

Rob talked about how God, completely spiritual, loves to create. And so he created, and then loved his creation. He created this world that is completely physical, the opposite of everything that the I AM represents, and called it good.

But not great. He wasn't finished yet.

Then he created man, a being that is completely physical and at the same time, completely spiritual. This being would work and die and reproduce (I suppose God thought of reproduction in the beginning.. or maybe not. Imagine Adam waking up after God decided that! haha) as other physical creatures, but the being also can create, can love as his creator loves. This being named and became master of everything on earth. Then He(being God) made another creature, a creature that man was not master of, but complimentary to. Another spiritual and physical being, that would rule alongside him.

The point of this story (to me, anyway) was the purpose of God creating. Of making both man and woman capable of love and the love to create. To worship God is to be pleased with what He's given us, isn't it? To give the creator the very best of all our creations. Why we baptize ourselves. Why we dedicate children to the church.

But have we lost our focus? More than once(okay, the majority of the time), my art has been about me. I constantly think about how I need to get a perfect photo so people will see it and think that I'm good. That I'll be able to be proud of my work.

Which brings me to the point of my story:

Who is the greater artist: the one who creates the sunset, or the one who paints it?

No doubt that we are all made to create. But we should be never be distracted and overruled by our art to the point that we forget the one who gave us the gifts in the first place.